Life is all about change for me right now. I've been out of state visiting family for the last two months and am finally going home this Sunday. There are some people I can't wait to see, but I'm really not ready to leave yet. A few weeks ago I would have had my bags packed in five minutes, but I've become so much closer to my dad this summer it's unreal. It breaks my heart that I have to leave him, and I probably won't see him until next summer and that will only be for a few weeks. I will always be Daddy's little girl.
On another note, I'm moving into my college dorm a month from today, which leaves me both terrified and ecstatic. I am so ready to just move on with my life and leave all the bullshit behind- like being in foster care, not having a relationship with my mother, backstabbing and dramatic "friends" etc. I'm ready to start over fresh, even if it means leaving certain people in the past that are no good for me. It's a new life for me and I am prepared to take advantage of such an opportunity. I grew up in an abusive, nearly poverty-stricken environment. I had no clothes, I either wore what was way too small for me or my brother's clothes. I had to walk to my mom's work, a homeless shelter to shower. We had dinner there every night. I even begged for change and food on street corners in my last year or two before DHS took me away when I was 14. I'm going to college to start a new and better life. I will never go back to living that way and when I have a family, my children will never experience such atrocity.
More near-future changes for me include two tattoo appointments I have when I get home. The first is a single Greek word, meaning "God's love" that I am getting to cover a scar from my painful childhood. The second is an inspirational quote I am getting on my shoulder blade, that I will live by each day.
Finally, things have taken a serious turn in my love life. We had planned to break up before I left for college, or sometime within my first month there. But over the last two months, he has been more open and honest with me than he ever has been. He never intended to be with me long term and I was well aware of that. But he's changed his mind and is dead set on it. We've been through so much together, some things that nobody knows besides the two of us. We have a future goal for our relationship, but it's so large we'll need to take baby steps to meet the milestone. The first step is making it through my first year of college staying together. If we can do that, the next baby step will be moving in together next summer. I work and drive now, it's financially doable. Just have to see what life brings. Whether or not it's meant to be.
These are only a handful of many topics going through my mind at the moment. I do not bring them up for viewing pleasure or gossip, or even for my personal venting. I bring them up because they have inspired a total of 78 poems that I've written over the last six months. This entry is meant as an explanation of inspiration. Some of them are questionable, maybe a bit dark, now you know why. Others are inspirational or exploratory. Regardless of each poem itself, now you may have a better understanding as to what's behind them.
I will be posting these within the next few weeks, following final editing and revision. They will be available on both of my accounts, including this account and my new account: